When i first heard about Elizabeth Gilbert‘s new book Committed i was instantly intrigued, despite the fact that the mere title of her enormous bestseller Eat, Pray, Love has always prevented me from having the least bit of interest in reading it. The new book was described as a sort of sequel to Eat, Pray, Love, taking up where that memoir left off: with Gilbert getting ready to marry for a second time, even though the globe-spanning travels that inspired the first book were themselves prompted by an ugly divorce. The sub-title is, “A Skeptic Makes Peace With Marriage.” I used to consider myself a pretty big skeptic of marriage, and the review i read also mentioned that the book included a lot of facts and history on the subject of matrimony, so i put myself on the book’s queue at the Des Moines Public Library right away. I was number 36 on the list.
I waited on that list for at least four months, and i tore through the book in a week and a half once it finally became available to me (about a week and a half ago). Although the citations of her resources are vague at best, Gilbert provides a wealth of information about marriage, so the book reads more like a non-fiction than a memoir (YES, i know memoirs are included in non-fiction, but you know what i mean). I told Nathan that if i were ever to write a book, it might be like this one; a lot of vaguely-cited facts, some probably-less-than-accurate yet educated conclusions drawn from those facts, a few not-too-detailed anecdotes, and a lot of musing.
I loved the book. I’m not a huge fan of modern-day memoirs because frankly i don’t find other people’s lives to be as interesting as they do, generally speaking. But this book is different; it’s more like looking inside Gilbert’s mind as she researches and ponders the topic of marriage and gradually finds a way of looking at it that makes her feel comfortable with getting married again. She isn’t a psychologist or an anthropologist or an expert on (or at) marriage, but she apologizes for all that and the book is what it is. One thing she is certainly good at is getting people of very interesting walks of life to talk about any given topic, and the conversations she has with people in far-away places about marriage are fascinating. She also includes a section about not having babies, and i was particularly interested in what her mommy friends had to say both for and against having children. Some were surprised by how much happiness having children brought them while others told Gilbert that it wasn’t really worth it even though they love their children dearly. And then there are the facts: that even though people think the childless will die alone and miserable, the happiness of people polled at the end of life is not dependent upon whether or not they have children. I found that fact encouraging, and i enjoyed Gilbert’s praises for “The Auntie Brigade.” There are a lot of us childless aunties out there, and we’re important.
The one thing i thought was lacking in this book was a little more intimacy. Gilbert doesn’t go into a lot of detail about her relationships, particularly the one that ended in a nasty, devastating, ugly divorce. What went wrong there, one wonders? One would think that a person who is so skeptical of marriage on account of having been the victim of divorce would analyze that failure thoroughly in her search for peace. The only concrete thing she says about it is that he wanted babies and she didn’t, and that she was twenty-five when they got married. She says that last bit as though it were explanation enough for why the marriage failed. Uh, excuse me?! You really need to clear that one up for me, Elizabeth!
The book is supposed to be a memoir, and it’s ultimately about Elizabeth Gilbert’s search for reassurance that getting married is the right thing for her to do. Personally, i was left biting my lip for her a little bit, because the conclusion she reaches is wobbly at best. She hasn’t analyzed her first marriage and deep down she seems to still hate the whole idea of marriage. It seems to me that in the end she just put a fresh coat of paint on a rotten attitude. But – that’s her problem, i suppose. Maybe this book just doesn’t quite convey the full extent of her mindset. Either way, i really enjoyed the majority of what she had to say.
I don’t think the book really changed my mind about marriage at all – i was already a cautious fan, by which i mean i don’t think marriage is for everyone but i’m pretty sure it’s for me – but it certainly made me think about a few things and informed me of some cool tidbits. Like, for instance, the fact that (statistically speaking) age 25 is the dividing line between marriages that are pretty likely to fail and those that endure. I’ll be 25 and Nathan will be 26 when we get married, so we’re sort of squeaking past that line. We’ve also got the advantages of: being of the same age, ethnicity, economic class and education level; not wanting babies; and having similar jobs. Our disadvantages are: not being strongly religious and not having a huge network of friends.
So, let’s hang out more, okay?
Thursday, June 17th, 2010 5:30 pm • books, marriage, reading
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June 18th, 2010 at 11:36 am
Thanks for doing a review on this book! It hasn’t been on my radar, but I loved Eat, Pray, Love (I find other people’s lives very interesting I guess!) and have been trying to find something to follow it with… I’ll be headed to one of my local libraries this weekend to see if I can get a hold of a copy!
June 18th, 2010 at 1:23 pm
You’re very welcome. I might have to read Eat, Pray, Love now that i know Elizabeth Gilbert is a pretty cool chick.
June 20th, 2010 at 11:31 pm
I can only say that when you are in love with the Right person, you will have a long and loving relationship. It may be as a married couple or as sincere friends who choose not to live together. Finding the Right person is the trick because it can be Love At First Sight or a developing love thru familiarity over time. It all has to do with Communication and Honesty; when two people hold that line, Love can last and so can a marriage. I feel you and Nathan can find the formula. Love you both, Old Man Dad
June 21st, 2010 at 7:16 pm
Some of the questions about her first marriage’s dissolution are answered in her first memoir. Your review made me want to give this book a read! I was very cognizant of my age when I got married: 25. I wanted to be slightly older, only because I knew it would sound so young to me someday.
Living in San Francisco now, I am definitely an anomaly: married before 30! People are largely indifferent, but there are definitely those who have strong feelings about not being married here. One guy told me he pitied me! So silly….
June 22nd, 2010 at 4:45 pm
Ah, that makes sense that she already talked about the divorce in the previous book.
My brother was 25 when he got married and so was my sister. They both ended up getting divorced, but i feel pretty confident that Nathan and i have each gained a lot of wisdom in relationships and that at this point we’ve got what it takes to make a marriage work. Besides – i figure that’s about a third of my life i’ve already lived without him, which is a pretty big chunk.
I can’t believe someone said he pitied you for being married, Adrianna. I probably would have said something really mean in that situation.
October 8th, 2010 at 12:32 pm
[...] that Gilman had the same sort of attitude toward marriage that Elizabeth Gilbert expressed in Committed, which is this general feeling of disgust with the idea of becoming legally married despite her [...]