Purchases
Indecisive ladies: go with the first thing you find that you really like. If you try on a veil or shoes or jewelry that you love when you buy your dress, ORDER IT THEN. Don’t just think to yourself “well this dress is so expensive, i’ll just get the rest later! Besides, i might find something i like even better. I’ve got plenty of time.” Save yourself some stress and get it right away. I did this correctly with the bridesmaids’ shoes; i saw some cute flats on sale and thought they might work well, so i snapped them up immediately. I did not do this with my own shoes. I waited way too long, thinking i was safe to take my time, and by the time i went to place an order, the company had actually stopped making the shoe i wanted in my size (i wear an 11). Totally frustrating. I also procrastinated a week or two on buying the dress i wanted for the rehearsal, and it sold out in my size. So if you see something you like, just buy it. You can return most things if you change your mind later, and if you can’t return it you can sell it on Craigslist (to someone like me, who waited too long to order her veil, too).
The dress i missed out on. *tear*
Venues, Vendors—Everything.
Know there’s a song you want to hear? Start making a playlist right now. I don’t care if your wedding is two years away. Are there certain poems you like? Print them off and start a binder. Certain gifts you want to give? Buy them now. Just don’t wait on anything. Make a decision and go with it as soon as you can; this will save you so much time in the weeks before the wedding when all the little loose ends need to be tied up. We knew well in advance which restaurant we wanted our rehearsal dinner to be at, but for whatever reason we didn’t feel pressured to actually make the call until about five months before the wedding, by which time our date was already completely booked up. If there’s something you know you want, it’s never too soon to get it set in stone.
There were a lot of things that i simply didn’t care strongly about when i was planning the wedding, like what food we would serve, how the attendants did their hair and makeup, and what the guest table looked like. But there were some things that i was very picky about, such as the music (no DJ for me!), the flowers, and most importantly my own appearance. (What can i say? There’s a lot of pressure to be as beautiful as possible on your big day.) I was disappointed on a couple of these points, and it’s my own fault. I wasn’t firm enough, and i went about asking the wrong way.
Decide what you want early on
The very first thing you should do when you get engaged is figure out what it is that you want. Do it as early as possible; start looking at magazines, wedding blogs (i highly recommend Style Me Pretty), start a board on Pinterest (let me know if you need an invitation), and start putting together all of your favorites. Make a decision and stick to it. I know it sounds hard, but it’s best to have a clear vision of what you want when you meet your vendors for the first time.
Tell the vendors what you want. Exactly.
And do it in person. You’ll probably only meet with them once or twice in person, and you should bring photos of what you want and be very clear about it. Don’t tell your florist that your color is “berry tones, but not purple red or pink” like i did. Find something—anything—that is the exact color you want and bring it with you. Better yet, give your vendor a swatch. This is something i meant to do but never got around to; you can buy pantone swatches for your wedding from The Dessy Group. I think it would have been well worth $10 to have had those swatches to refer to from the get-go.
Learn to love the telephone
You should get used to talking on the phone anyway, because you’re going to need to do it a lot. But i recommend relying on the telephone for most of your communication. Do not rely on email. People ignore emails. If you send The Picture of what your wedding cake should look like to your florist and baker, you cannot assume that they received it. If you send an email to your florist to tell her that you want peonies, first of all be firm about it. Don’t say “what do you think, would peonies be pretty?” Just say “i want peonies, not roses.” And do it over the phone, so you know that she heard you.
Lastly, consider doing it yourself
I didn’t want to “DIY” anything, but i think i actually ended up most pleased with the things i did myself. I designed and assembled the invitations with a little help from my friends, and they were beautiful. I chose my own lanterns, table numbers, accessories, and the ribbon for my cake. I’m not sure that i could have handled doing the flowers on my own, but i could have worked closely with a friend on them and they would probably have turned out more like what i envisioned (and so much cheaper!).
My hair would have looked a little pathetic no matter who had done it, unfortunately—that’s just the nature of my hair. But i think i could have done a better job with my own makeup. For the money i spent on having my makeup done for the wedding day, i could have bought some really nice makeup and looked a little more put-together. I did boss my beautician around a little bit (don’t line my lower lid, please. Could you redo these eyelashes? I can’t open my left eye all the way. That lipstick is too pink. I don’t want bronzer, it makes my face look too peachy), but there were a few things that i still wasn’t satisfied with. I just have a certain way i like my makeup to be done, and i think i should have practiced up and done it myself.
I could write a novel about my wedding, because it wasn’t just a single event on a single day. The events spanned several days, but the preparation took over a year and the wrap-up is still going on two weeks afterward and will continue until i’ve penned my final thank-you note. I have a lot of advice to give to brides-to-be and i’ll be posting it in installments for the next couple of months, but to kick it all off i have a recap and one bit of wisdom: if your wedding is anything like mine, nothing will go as planned. But it’ll be completely wonderful anyway.
Nathan and i both stayed home the night before, because while a lot of couples spend the night before apart to make it more “special,” i think i would have simply passed out at some point if the day had been any more special than it already was. He’s my security blanket through this thing, and i needed to be with him. I didn’t get a lot of sleep that night but Nathan—as per usual—slept like a baby. (Although, why does that phrase even mean what it does? Babies sleep in short bursts and wake fitfully, don’t they? At least that’s what i hear!)
In the morning we gathered up everything from jewelry to vows to the borrowed microphone and headed to Sticks for the setup. Nathan set up our computer (i.e. the DJ) and rearranged tables while i wrote every guest’s name on the chalkboard for the seating chart. Yep, i did that. Not everyone followed it and as it turned out not everyone who was on the board was present, and not everyone who was present was on the board. But people LOVED it. I’ve gotten more compliments on my seating chart than any other aspect of the wedding (except perhaps for my dress). It took me probably a couple of hours to do just because i was distracted and jittery and a little bit of a perfectionist.
The flowers arrived and i noticed that they weren’t exactly what i had wanted, but there was no real reason to fuss about it. I fashioned a long black bow for my bouquet and called it good. Then Kelly took me to my hair & makeup appointment. Kelly is a professional bridesmaid, and was good at telling me that everything was going to be okay as i bounced nervously in my chair. Oh, and did i mention that it was rainy? It had been raining lightly all morning and we watched the sky with anticipation, hoping that it would clear up by showtime. Nathan was in charge of deciding whether to hold the ceremony outdoors or indoors. After i had made the aesthetician redo my eyelashes three times and my appointment was finally over, Kelly took me to Subway but i couldn’t eat anything, despite having had nothing more than half a pastry and a small cup of coffee for breakfast that morning at Sticks.
Back at Sticks again i started trying to relax a little bit before the big moment. I had a few bites of Kelly’s sandwich and held a banana that she gave to me (but couldn’t eat it). Amanda was there taking photos of my dress. The cake was being assembled. The baker noticed that the floral topper wasn’t what i had planned on and she did what she could to make it a little more drape-y and less of a ball. She was amazed by how pretty Sticks looked with everything set up the way it was, and by how calm i seemed. I didn’t feel terribly calm, though.
The weather had cleared up enough that we would be able to have the ceremony outside. This is the one major thing that we had hoped for and that did actually go according to plan. The bridesmaids donned their dresses and i caught a glimpse of Nathan suiting up in his tux, which made me swoon. I waited until my mom & sister arrived to put my fabulous dress on, which they helped me with. Finally it was time to go. Everyone left except for my sister, whom i was extremely glad to have assigned at the last minute the duty of carrying my train. My dad came to get us, and we were on our way.
It’s so weird standing up there, getting married. I thought i would cry through the whole thing but i just beamed up until the guitarist performed our song (which we were all hearing for the very first time), and then finally i cried a little. I felt so nervous and strange, but looking at Nathan it all felt very right, too. When we kissed it really did feel like a first kiss; i had never kissed my husband before, and that’s exactly what it felt like.
From there things started to blur. We signed our papers while the guests unexpectedly formed an aisle toward the getaway car. We went around to greet each guest rather than having them come to us in a receiving line. My brother managed to dole out the white rose petals for the guests to throw (despite the fact that they had arrived in two large containers rather than nice bundles). We went back down the aisle through a shower of petals, made our getaway in Nathan’s car, and Amanda followed us to take our pictures at Greenwood Park. I hadn’t been able to freshen up my hair or makeup beforehand, but luckily the pictures turned out gorgeous anyway.
Back at Sticks we took some quick portraits with the families outside and then made our grand entrance. We cut the cake (an event which a lot of people missed, unfortunately) and got our dinners. Somehow the playlist i had made for the cocktail hour and dinner had been overlooked and at one point while i was eating, Bodies by The Smashing Pumpkins started to play (“love is suicide!”), but my hero husband went and put the playlist on before anyone else noticed. The food was delicious (although it was not as good as what we’d been served at our tasting), but i still had very little appetite. I couldn’t even finish my slice of delightful almond cake.
I hadn’t anticipated the toasts at all. I thought the best man would give a long toast and that might be the end of it, but instead he gave a short toast, and then they just kept coming. I can’t remember the order, but Kelly, Nina, Tim, Amy, Dustin, Elizabeth and my dad all said beautiful, sweet things. I don’t at all deserve all the glowing remarks that my siblings made; i’m nowhere near as intelligent, kind nor talented as they think i am but i’m grateful to at least be so remarkable in their eyes. Most people noted how happy Nathan and i are together, and that much i was able to affirm when i took the microphone. All else that i could manage to say was “thank you all so much.”
Photo by Mark Cecconi
And then we danced! Nathan and i had created our own playlist, incorporating a few requests that we had gotten before the wedding day. For the most part i had chosen obscure music that only a few of my closest friends wanted to dance to with me, but i had a blast anyway. Bad Romance was a big hit, and i think we played a Prince song that went over well, too. I didn’t really leave the dance floor until the end of the night, and unfortunately that meant that i never even got to say goodbye to half of the guests when they left. As the last few were catching their shuttles i went outside and saw the beautiful lanterns in the tree and the tiki torches along the walkway, and it all felt so magical. Then we cleaned up and went home.
I never even got very intoxicated and could only stomach the cheap beer, but our guests were kind enough to take care of almost all of the wine for us, as well as every last microbrew (and then some). It was a great party, and although it ended pretty early (before midnight) i thought it worked out just fine. I’m so grateful for every last guest who was there—even the ones i’d never met before and also the handful who couldn’t make it. And i’m so thankful that my immediate family was all there. I adore them. And of course i feel deeply, inexpressibly grateful to be married now to the most wonderful man i’ve ever known. What could be more worthy and more perfect than that?
(All photos by Amanda Basteen unless otherwise noted)
I’ve been too busy to do much more than worry about the wedding for the past few months, but now with only eleven days to go i feel a sort of calm settling over me, so i’m taking just a moment to write about it. I’m coming up on a transition in my life, even if it’s really only a legal one; in reality, Nathan and I will have tax breaks and visitation rights and i will legally change my name, but our relationship won’t necessarily change because we’re getting married. I’m told, though, that marriage does in fact change a relationship, and in good ways. I can’t wait to find out what that means. So, i’m taking note of what it feels like to stand on this side of the bridge before i cross it, because i think this spot offers a pretty interesting perspective.
Planning this wedding has taken a lot out of me. I feel like i’ve made a hundred phone calls and written a thousand emails. We’ve spent a lot of money and hashed out myriad little details about the big day. I tried to keep it simple and not have opinions that were too strong about anything, but decisions still had to be made even if they were arbitrary (and none of them ended up being arbitrary). I personally picked out every little ribbon, flower, piece of paper and garment. I even made a lot of decisions about my own bachelorette party, which worked out perfectly in the end. The best part of the process has been the things that Nathan and i decided on together; the food and the gifts. I have no doubt that those will be well received, and worth every penny.
I’m not a decisive person nor a “people person” but i’ve managed to at least get everything done, which i find to be amazing. I feel like i moved a mountain, with a little help from my friends, family, and my wonderful fiance. Who knew that planning a single event could be so much work? If i had known, i probably would have either hired someone to do it for me or simply eloped. But then this wedding wouldn’t have been so me. Er, so us. 
I felt a lot of stress and shed a tear or two (or five thousand) over the course of our engagement, but now that it’s all coming together, i’m finally starting to feel excited. My sister and her son will be here in three days! My brother will arrive on Tuesday. My dad and his wife will be here in just eight days. And from there on out this will be pure enjoyment for the following week and a half. We’re going to Cancun for our honeymoon, and we’re going to sit back and do absolutely nothing while we’re there.
With all the planning out of the way, i’m able to think about what this actually is: a marriage. I’m getting married to Nathan, and that thought actually calms me. I suspect that there are some brides out there who start panicking about now, because they start to realize what they’re about to do. But when i think about what’s about to happen, i feel certain that this is the best decision i’ve ever made. I know this is the right thing for me; Nathan is the right man for me and spending the rest of my life with him is what i want more than anything. Married life is an adventure i can’t wait to embark upon, and with Nathan i feel well equipped for the journey. This is a smart move; a good idea. And it’s also wonderfully romantic. With the stress out of the way a deep happiness is settling upon me, and i’m pretty sure Nathan feels much the same.
Last week i finished up a little book called The Gastronomy of Marriage by Michelle Maisto. I thought it sounded intriguing because it’s about a couple who are planning their wedding and enjoy cooking together, much like me and Nathan. Yeah, it’s a memoir and i don’t much like memoirs, i reasoned, but i enjoyed Committed so maybe i’ll enjoy this, too.
I didn’t.
I hope to never again read a book about being a writer. Every writer has to write about being a writer and i find it terribly boring. People who make documentaries rarely pepper their films with coverage of what it’s like to be a filmmaker – hell, people don’t often make films about their own lives at all. But the Memoir is this genre of books where writers write about their ordinary writer lives and try to paint them as being interesting somehow and it’s just… boring.
Anyway. About the book. It’s mercifully short and padded with recipes, which i thought was a nice touch since most of the book is a description of cooking this or that meal. Maisto attempts to use these meals as an illustration of a transformation she undergoes while being engaged, but there is absolutely no soul to the book. She describes starting to resent cooking when it becomes her “job” in the house. Her mother – mercilessly – always told Michelle that marrying her father and becoming a housewife was a mistake, and Maisto seems to be deathly afraid of repeating her mother’s mistakes (just like every other feminist i’ve been reading lately). But in the end she realizes that she has always loved cooking and still does and is not in fact being oppressed because she finds herself in the kitchen on a daily basis. Duh.
There’s just no passion in the writing. And her fiance sounds like a royal pain in the ass, by the way. Not that Maisto complains about him, ever. She doesn’t seem to actually realize that he is, in fact, a pain in the ass. There’s no humor in the book, nothing really sentimental or moving is said, and i took nothing away from it except for a reinforced notion that young women are actually afraid of doing more than fifty percent of the housework now for any reason, even if they enjoy it. She doesn’t have a meal planned. She throws out a few ideas. Her fiance whines. They finally settle on something. She cooks. They eat and are satisfied. This happens repeatedly, and this is pretty much all that happens. And the story ends days before the wedding. I DIDN’T EVEN GET TO HEAR ABOUT THE WEDDING. The only aspect of wedding planning she seems to enjoy is choosing the food; even her description of dress shopping is excruciatingly dull. I mean, come on – this is your wedding. Have a little fun, for God’s sake.